200 Things i am not allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Kimamoondog
Summary: been done before but please R&R only rated for mention of achol and sexual themes


**Disclaimer:I do not or nor will i ever own any of the harry potter franchise. also some of these have been seen in other places and seeing as no one really knows where they came from i give up rights to the ones i personally didnt create, and i give my premsision to everyone to re use the ones that i did and know one has seen**

**200 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts **

I am not to tell first years all the cool kids hang out in the forbidden forest.

The forbidden forest is forbidden for a reason.

I am not allowed to declare a hug a Slytherin day.

Oliver Wood has heard every possible joke about his name.

–no that was not a challenge

I shall not call Draco Malfoy a vampire.

I shall not attempt to stake him (again)

I shall not give any Professor a nick name. No matter how much they might like it.

I will not find sneaky ways to give Professor Snape love notes addressed from his secret admirer. That is extremely cruel.

I will not call Fred and George clones.

I will not tell everyone that I saw Harry and Draco in a broom closet together.

-Nor will I tell them I saw Snape and Filch in a closet.

-In fact I am not to say I saw any one in a closet together even if I did its there business not mine.

I am not god I am not to tell people that I am.

-Nor am I lord Voldmort.

I must stop breaking crystal balls just because I say I see Professor Trelawney's death.

-I must remember I can't see into the future.

–even if I have a magic crystal ball.

Draco Malfoy is not a girl.

-Nor is his father a transvestite.

I am not to blow up the toilet seats (again)

There is a reason that Prefects have there own bathroom I am not to go in there just because I like the stain glass mermaid.

The fat lady is not to be given a nick name.

Answering "YO MOMMA" to a question a teacher asks me will almost always be wrong.

I am not to try and make sushi out of the giant squid.

–no matter how hungry I am.

I must not skip and sing "Where off to see the wizard" when going to the headmaster's office.

I am not to attempt to breed the house elves.

Blaze Zamboni is not my "brotha from another motha"

Nor is Draco Malfoy my "sista from another mista"

Pansy Parksin is not a pug.

I am not to attempt to sneak into the Slytherin dormitory.

–no matter how good I can act at being a snob.

I cannot tell Hufflepuffs I will eat their first born children.

I am not allowed to sacrifice anyone to the ice cream gods.

There is no such thing as an ice cream religion. No matter how much I believe in it.

I may not attempt to convert people to said religion.

–that was not a challenge.

Dumbledore is not Santa.

-I may not tell people that he is.

-Nor is he Gandalf.

I am not allowed to call Draco Malfoy "The Amazing Ferret Boy"

I shall not mention "Ferrets" in front of Draco Malfoy.

I am not to bring alcoholic beverages into the castle.

My dad is not lord Voldmort

–nor is my mom

I am not to randomly burst into song in the corridors

-Or the classrooms

In fact I am not allowed to burst into song anywhere.

I am not allowed to ask Professor Lupin if it's his time of the month.

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

Nor will I start a betting pool on his life.

I am not to lock Slytherins and Gryfendors in the same room just to see what will happen.

Nor am I to lock them in the same room and start a betting pool.

I am not allowed to use the word "Pimp Cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

I am no longer allowed to eat Pixie Sticks.

I am not to challenge Peeves to a prank war.

I am not to challenge the Weasly Twins to a prank war.

I will not tell Lord Voldmort where Harry lives. Even if he says he'll give me a cookie.

I may not yell fire in the hallways just to see what happens.

I may not steel Dumbledore's hat.

The sorting hat does not take over peoples bodies I must stop telling first years this.

I will not breed dragons in the dormitories

I will not bring in giant snakes.

I will not steel from Snape's private "stash" of potion ingredients

Owls do not taste like chicken.

-I will not attempt to fry them.

Mere people are friends not food.

Wands where not made for hitting people

–or stabbing

–or picking your nose

–or picking your friends noses

Unicorns are not ponies.

-I am not to ride them.

Lupin is not my pet.

–I am not to give him dog treats

–or a dog collar

Hagrid is not part grizzly bear.

–I may not tell people that he is rabid

I will not use my invisibility cloak to go into the opposite sex's shower/restrooms.

Swords are not toys

I am not a queen/king I may not attempt to knight people with the Gryffindor sword.

I will not pick fights with trolls.

I will not spike the punch at the Yule Ball

I will not use the unforgivable curses on the ghost (again)

I am not to pet Fluffy.

Hufflepuffs are not Pillsbury dough boys they do not giggle if you poke there tummies

I will not throw feathers at Ravenclaws

Gryffindors are not tigers

I will not make Professor Flitwick levitate even if I'm practicing the spell he gave us.

Elves are not puppets

– I will not put strings on them.

Filch's cat is not to be dressed is in funny cloths (again)

I will not play baseball with the whomping willow

I will not call Professor Qurill two face.

–even if he is.

Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I will not put fleas on Lupin.

I will not throw the Quaffle at Hufflepuffs

I will not charm a poster of Harry Potter on Draco Malfoy's wall.

I will not be the matchmaker.

Draco and Harry do not belong "together".

I will not get the Giant Spiders to eat Draco Malfoy

– or Snape

Fang is not a fighting dog

–nor is Fluffy

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore."

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege."

I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Draco's forehead (again)

I am not the wicked witch of the west

–Nor is Professor Umbridge

I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

–no that was not a challenge

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously

- It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

I will not go to class sky clad.

I will not announce "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" as a way to conclude a Quidditch match.

Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form

"You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy not "Rocky Horror."

-Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

-Especially if he's wearing it.

I am not allowed to spank others.

-Even if Malfoy liked it.

Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny

-nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.

- Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

-Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.

Draco is not Billy idol's little brother

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong. I am not to do it.

I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.

I am not to dance naked in the great hall

– or anywhere else for that matter

I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

When someone accuses me of not wearing any pants, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

-Especially if I can't.

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."

I may not refer to Slytherins as "Children of the Corn."

I am not to go to the Yule Ball in my "Birthday suite."

–even if it's my birthday.

I will not tell the Slytherins that I'm Lord Voldmort's daughter/son just to get them to do what I want them to do.

–even if I might be his daughter/son I am still not to tell them that I am it's a secret.

Stating that Pansy and Harry make a better couple is not funny.

–especially in front of Draco.

Telling Luscious Malfoy what he can do with his wand is ill advised.

I will not by black market things from Mugdongus.

–I will not sell said things for a higher price.

–I will not sell them to the Weasly twins.

I am not to run through the great hall yelling "THE DEATH EATERS ARE COMEING, THE DEATH EATERS ARE COMEING" (again)

Telling Neville that his toad was fried by accident for frog legs is not a way to get a laugh.

I cannot steel people's souls.

–I should not test this theory.

Dementors are not my friends I must stop telling people they won't hurt me.

–They are in fact are more likely to hurt me then anyone else.

I will not take points away from a house because they do not fallow my ice cream religion.

I will not eat chocolate cake in class.

–even if I brought enough to share.

I will not refer to a teacher as cuddles

I will not set anyone's robes on fire.

– not even my own.

I am not to make my wand into a pen laser.

I am not to ask Filch what his relationship is with Mrs. Norris.

– No matter what I suspect.

Asking Draco what he did over the holidays is expectable

-Asking Draco what "he did" over the holidays is not.

I am not a werewolf.

–not even if I howl at the moon

–if I howl at the moon it just means I'm strange not a werewolf

I am to do any assignment a teacher gives me.

– I may not complain that it's boring

–complaining about the assignment will only get more work handed to me.

I will not show "Eragon" for extra credit in care of magical creatures.

–Not even if I bring popcorn

I shall not kick people off there brooms during Quditch.

–Not even if they where "asking for it"

I am not to ask random questions about inappropriate things at random times in class.

–Not even if I am curious about Snape and Draco's relationship

I will not sell Draco Malfoy hair gel.

–especially if it's not

Telling people that I am a mermaid is stupid

–especially if I'm telling the mere peoples

"I love you" is not an expectable answer to the OWLs.

I will not post this list in the common rooms.

–or class rooms

–or great hall

–or teachers lounge

–or teachers offices

–not even if Dumbledore finds it funny

I am not to use this list as a check list.

–No that was not a challenge.


End file.
